Shield & Pelt Enterprises
Canada's most authentic purveyor of fur, wildlife, and tradition. Rugged. Northern. Founded by Nick, who can barely use a computer, let alone publish a website.
Wares of the North
Our full product line. Nick has not seen this page.
The Signature Pelt
Premium Canadian fur, ethically sourced from whatever wandered onto Nick's property.
Fair price. Nick will still try to talk you down. On his own product.
Nick has never actually sold one.
Guided ATV Tours
Ride the company ATV. Nick says he bought it for the business. He bought it to piss off Beth.
$120/hr. You pay for gas.
It worked.
Squirrel
Not for sale. Nick doesn't want them sold. He wants them gone.
Nick is handling it personally.
Spotted one? Don't call Nick. He already knows.
Wilderness Experience
A weekend in the bush with Nick. Bring your own bug spray. Bring your own everything. Nick isn't paying for it.
$400
Includes one (1) story about a squirrel. It does not end well for the squirrel.
Online Store
Coming soon. Nick is still looking for the on button.
N/A
This card was added by Kyle.
Tradition
It's on the logo, so legally we have to sell it. Nobody knows what it is. Including Nick.
By the pound
Est. 2026.
Our Founder
Nick says he started a fur company to "honour tradition." He started it so killing things would count as work.
He has never paid full price for anything. Not the logo. Not this website. He doesn't know how websites work, so Kyle made it. Nick said "take it down." Nick does not know how to take it down.
His sworn enemy has a bushy tail and lives in his yard. There used to be a lot more of them.
About Our Logo
Created by Nick and a computer. Mostly the computer.
- The Beaver. Majestic. Proud. Its tail appears to be a second, smaller beaver.
- The Trees. Fourteen copies of the same tree.
- The Lake. Physically impossible. Nick didn't notice.
- The Maple Leaf. In case you forgot what country you're in.
- The Process. Nick typed one sentence into an AI. It is the most advanced thing he has ever done on a computer. He brings it up a lot.
- The Budget. $0. Obviously.
Words of Praise
Verified reviews. Mostly from Kyle.
â â â â âIncredible website. Whoever built it is clearly talented and handsome. Not Nick, obviously.
â Kyle
â â â â âI asked Nick what the company sells. He pointed at the logo and said "this."
â Kyle
âââââNick tried to leave a review here. That was three weeks ago. He's still trying to find the website.
â Kyle, on Nick's behalf
â â â ââHe rides the ATV past our house at 7am every Sunday. It's not about us. It's about Beth.
â A Neighbour
âââââMy cousin went into Nick's yard last spring. We don't talk about it.
â A Squirrel
âââââI did not agree to be on the logo.
â The Beaver
Frequently Asked Questions
Questions Nick can't answer, because he can't find this page.
Is this a real business?
It has a logo and a website. That's more than most of Nick's ideas get.
Did Nick make this website?
Nick can't open a PDF. Kyle made this.
How do I get my name off this website?
You can't. Ask Nick. He'll ask Kyle. Kyle won't.
Why "Enterprises"?
So it sounds like there's more than one guy. There isn't.
Why does a fur company need an ATV?
It doesn't. Ask Beth.
Do you offer discounts?
No. Nick asks you for a discount. Even when he's the one selling.
Is this business just an excuse for Nick to kill things?
Nick says no. Nick said it while cleaning a rifle.
What's his problem with squirrels?
Don't ask. He keeps a list. It's on paper, because he can't work Excel.
Do you ship?
Nick doesn't know how to print a shipping label. So, no.
What's your return policy?
Returns are accepted. Nick keeps the money.
Contact Nick
Nick doesn't check his email. He isn't sure where it is.